auld lang syne.

To day is New years eve and i am currently sitting on my couch watching (500) Days of Summer again with my little sister. I'm feeling kind of heavy hearted since this is the first new year's i've spent with out friends since i've been like ten. It feels pathetic but alas, i'm in isolation so it's "all for my better". I think it would be appropriate to review this past hectic year. I dealt with the diagnoses with my diseases: PNH/Aplastic Anemia. I matured, and though i have lost a lot i've gained with knowledge. I starting to drift apart from on of my close friends, later on in this year it would end badly in a very petty fight. My best friend's parents were getting divorced and she would not live up the street from me anymore. I had a bone marrow transplant to cure me. Which, would leave me isolation. I think that in this isolation period i've lost a lot of friends and i'm not so sure where I'm going to go from here. Oh, i told my best guy friend i had a HUGE crush on him and he didn't feel the same, but we are still best friends. i lost my hair to chemo. Yes, i do realize most that has happened is negative, but in all the has happened i have found light in my life and this is where i can pick up the pieces and start over.

To the new year: may 2010 be the best to come.

Three choices

How can you start life over when you don't know where to start? i know, this is my opportunity to start over. I'm reborn but i'm falling behind and honestly, i just don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to go anywhere, I'm done trying to make an effort to see people and what the hell, i don't even want to see people. i want to go to sleep forever, or just sit blankly staring into space as i do so often. So I'm on "the path to inner peace" i swear i'm going off track, because i just feel blue. Hopefully this is just a case of going through all the motions but, once you've reached self fulfillment, are you to be happy? or take it in complacently?

When all you hold in your heart slips away, you have to choose: fall behind, make a change, or change your mind.

locks lost.

Small hands gently pull hair out of a drain hole in a shower
Out of frustration and sorrow of the lost, she pushes back her bangs
She slides her hand through her hair, collecting more strands
She walks to the mirror with the clump of hair in her hand and looks at herself
"Do you remember?" She whispers to herself, voice shaken holding back tears
She sees herself looking back, tears now in her eyes
She remembers
Soft, luscious, dark, long locks being straightened to perfection a month prior
She'd smile confidently at the girl looking back at her, with that gorgeous head of hair
Now she brushes her tangly hair with her hair brush, making a tiny pony tail
She looks at the hair brush, not to be surprised with more lost
She collects the strands, pride broken, but she remembers.

Happiness is bliss.

I have had many opinions on what life is, and what life is about. Most importantly, what it feels like to be alive and it’s not that feeling I thought it was, jumping to the beat of a song blasting through the stereo or feeling that adrenaline rush at a concert. No, because while sitting upon my deathbed I had an epiphany: Life is knowing that you are breathing and that your heart is still beating not only that but instead of the feeling of each pulse but; the feeling of happiness because life should be happiness. All those things I’ve felt where only mere examples of what I thought life was, but those small things can’t be one life! They consist all together as examples of my happiness and I don’t ever want to forget those moments. Even if they do pass by quickly as seconds, they remain in your heart forever. Only staying in the premise of my house is overly suppressing but I have found that within these months I’m happy. Sure, I miss hanging with my friends and having laughs and inside jokes but it shows how much they care when they don’t stop by to visit and in all family is always there for you, through the thick and thin. I wouldn’t miss it for the world if I had a chance to dance around my bedroom with my sister and brother to Lady Gaga even those times we rough house it. I’m a Tedford, its how we do. Though, I can’t forget those moments I had with my close friends, these people shaped me into the person I am today and if I died I think my heaven would be a lazy day lounging in katies pool or laying in the grass cloud watching at keeney but most of all, playing in the backyard with my dogs and siblings. For the second in my life I can say I’m happy and I can’t complain.

Love like robots

Over and over she repeated the words in her head
Hoping and waiting for it to sink in
I will not like him, I will not like him
Broken, like a robot with bad circuitry her feelings are malfunctioning
She's fallen for a man with a captivating persona
Her hearts beating rhythmically
clunking and sputtering lust hoping it'll land on her said beau
She feels a magnetic pull, an instant chemistry.
Sparks when his hand brushes hers
An explosion in her chest when she catches that twinkle in his eye.
She thinks she’s going crazy containing these feelings
She's not programmed to function when she speaks to him
She spits out words clustered with embarrassment
Her mouth twitches into a smile when he's near
I will not like him, i will not like him
In denial, trying to repair herself when nothing is to be fixed
she reboots herself trying to break free from this virus called love.