auld lang syne.

To day is New years eve and i am currently sitting on my couch watching (500) Days of Summer again with my little sister. I'm feeling kind of heavy hearted since this is the first new year's i've spent with out friends since i've been like ten. It feels pathetic but alas, i'm in isolation so it's "all for my better". I think it would be appropriate to review this past hectic year. I dealt with the diagnoses with my diseases: PNH/Aplastic Anemia. I matured, and though i have lost a lot i've gained with knowledge. I starting to drift apart from on of my close friends, later on in this year it would end badly in a very petty fight. My best friend's parents were getting divorced and she would not live up the street from me anymore. I had a bone marrow transplant to cure me. Which, would leave me isolation. I think that in this isolation period i've lost a lot of friends and i'm not so sure where I'm going to go from here. Oh, i told my best guy friend i had a HUGE crush on him and he didn't feel the same, but we are still best friends. i lost my hair to chemo. Yes, i do realize most that has happened is negative, but in all the has happened i have found light in my life and this is where i can pick up the pieces and start over.

To the new year: may 2010 be the best to come.

Three choices

How can you start life over when you don't know where to start? i know, this is my opportunity to start over. I'm reborn but i'm falling behind and honestly, i just don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to go anywhere, I'm done trying to make an effort to see people and what the hell, i don't even want to see people. i want to go to sleep forever, or just sit blankly staring into space as i do so often. So I'm on "the path to inner peace" i swear i'm going off track, because i just feel blue. Hopefully this is just a case of going through all the motions but, once you've reached self fulfillment, are you to be happy? or take it in complacently?

When all you hold in your heart slips away, you have to choose: fall behind, make a change, or change your mind.

locks lost.

Small hands gently pull hair out of a drain hole in a shower
Out of frustration and sorrow of the lost, she pushes back her bangs
She slides her hand through her hair, collecting more strands
She walks to the mirror with the clump of hair in her hand and looks at herself
"Do you remember?" She whispers to herself, voice shaken holding back tears
She sees herself looking back, tears now in her eyes
She remembers
Soft, luscious, dark, long locks being straightened to perfection a month prior
She'd smile confidently at the girl looking back at her, with that gorgeous head of hair
Now she brushes her tangly hair with her hair brush, making a tiny pony tail
She looks at the hair brush, not to be surprised with more lost
She collects the strands, pride broken, but she remembers.

Happiness is bliss.

I have had many opinions on what life is, and what life is about. Most importantly, what it feels like to be alive and it’s not that feeling I thought it was, jumping to the beat of a song blasting through the stereo or feeling that adrenaline rush at a concert. No, because while sitting upon my deathbed I had an epiphany: Life is knowing that you are breathing and that your heart is still beating not only that but instead of the feeling of each pulse but; the feeling of happiness because life should be happiness. All those things I’ve felt where only mere examples of what I thought life was, but those small things can’t be one life! They consist all together as examples of my happiness and I don’t ever want to forget those moments. Even if they do pass by quickly as seconds, they remain in your heart forever. Only staying in the premise of my house is overly suppressing but I have found that within these months I’m happy. Sure, I miss hanging with my friends and having laughs and inside jokes but it shows how much they care when they don’t stop by to visit and in all family is always there for you, through the thick and thin. I wouldn’t miss it for the world if I had a chance to dance around my bedroom with my sister and brother to Lady Gaga even those times we rough house it. I’m a Tedford, its how we do. Though, I can’t forget those moments I had with my close friends, these people shaped me into the person I am today and if I died I think my heaven would be a lazy day lounging in katies pool or laying in the grass cloud watching at keeney but most of all, playing in the backyard with my dogs and siblings. For the second in my life I can say I’m happy and I can’t complain.

Love like robots

Over and over she repeated the words in her head
Hoping and waiting for it to sink in
I will not like him, I will not like him
Broken, like a robot with bad circuitry her feelings are malfunctioning
She's fallen for a man with a captivating persona
Her hearts beating rhythmically
clunking and sputtering lust hoping it'll land on her said beau
She feels a magnetic pull, an instant chemistry.
Sparks when his hand brushes hers
An explosion in her chest when she catches that twinkle in his eye.
She thinks she’s going crazy containing these feelings
She's not programmed to function when she speaks to him
She spits out words clustered with embarrassment
Her mouth twitches into a smile when he's near
I will not like him, i will not like him
In denial, trying to repair herself when nothing is to be fixed
she reboots herself trying to break free from this virus called love.

Peace

We sat on a bench, over head a weeping willow’s limbs branched out

In the shade of a dim cold day she said “disconnect your self from the world and you will find peace”

I sat there utterly confused, lost in changes that happened so sudden

I closed my eyes and tried immersing myself in the moment.

How can the world be so calm and surreal for a moment in time?

I heard police sirens as cops drove by

A cry of a lost little girl

A gunshot sounding clear and crisp in the powder blue skies

A shrill scream of terror

The last breaths in a fight for survival

Empathy floods into my heart, I finally understand

All I hear now is wind

I open my eyes meeting a pair so wise and full of life.

A faint smile creased with wrinkles, she spoke softly once more

“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart”

A reassuring pat on the back and she was gone, faint foot steps retreating slowly

Taking in the world with such perspective.

Angel of Hope

What a wood figure, one that stands before my eyes
enticing encouragement, with an unlit lantern hanging in her hands
perhaps it's my job to light the fire
angel of hope
the angel has no face, maybe it better off this wooden figure has no eyes
so that her facial expression would not match mine
with a broken pride i believe that a fire is lit at the moment
kindling softly with an iridescent glow
waiting for me to come around again so the fire can burn faster
One day it will burn again with such passion, but not today

Broken Glass

The rainy day felt bitter on her tongue
The window was open, not by choice
Broken glass lay on the floor
Shards waiting to be picked up
It was on of those days it felt like she was walking on broken glass
Outside the window lies a picture frame,
Perfectly broken with a life time of memories
Cuts with slivers of glass slicing into the flesh
nothing could feel worse
Lost in a whirlwind of anger and grief
Water pools around the picture, forming a puddle
emerging it under water
She is drowning
Nothing is gaining from what she's lost
Just feelings misconstrued, a fight between lovers
Ending with a suitcase by the door and another night to herself
She thinks of the bruises forming on her shaken body
Her story remains unheard, she still loves him
She will always go back to him
No, this is not a case of domestic violence in her mind
This is what happens when opposites attract

Too hard

Is it too hard to go out of your way to help a friend in need?

Well, I thought it’d be nice considering I was always there for you

Listening to all the mishaps life has created

Telling you not to worry, it’s just a phase

You live and you will learn

So tell me how I fit in this equation?

You plus life equals advice

I may be bad at math but can we subtract from your selfish ways?

I may not ask or beg for guidance

I might be silent but certain things are seen

Signals show you I am discouraged and you are in need

The green light says go and you’re stuck at a stop sign

Maybe a road block is to blame

I remember a time when this road was built for two

Now only going one way in the opposite direction

We’re getting further and further away

And the distance is blinding for my hollow eyes

Tell me is a phone call away too much?

So is this friendship going to continue like this?

Because we aren’t really going anywhere

Daisy

The beautiful thing about this flower is when it blooms
It stands so tall and unsure of the world
But willing to reveal it’s self
Until one day, it gets trampled on by a foolish boy
Or picked by a love stricken girl
Repeating the lines
“He loves me, he loves me not”
Over and over again
Deflowered and thrown away since it lack no beauty
Until spring rolls around next year
And the feelings are the same rooted deep beneath the soil

Trying to sleep tonight

She listened to music softly, at night hoping to lull her to sleep

She sings along, gazing at a wooden sculpture of an angel by her bedside

As always, she’s the last one awake in her household

She closes her eyes for a desperate attempt for slumber

As if it held character traits, it stubbornly won’t come

A discontent sigh erupts from her mouth

With a million thoughts racing through her mind

she wants to know how she ended up this way.

She wonders if this is more than temporary

She knows this is not a way to live

She’s on the path to inner peace

Hoping tranquility and wisdom will calm her restless soul

She hums along to bittersweet instrumentals

One eye drooping to match the other.

Promise

Promise me you won’t forget me

I’m not exactly here

And we’re not giving it our all

We are slowly slipping

It doesn’t feel right

Things are not in place

Falling into the wrong puzzle

Pieces are missing

And it feels like we’re giving up too soon

Promise me we won’t give up

We are fighters

But you’re sitting on a fence

And fighting your own demons

Just promise me in all your days

You won’t forget who I am.

I promise I never will.

Feathers Fallen

There was a bird that was perched on a limb
Feathers depressingly molting, falling ever so gracefully to the bottom of a cage
Needing to spread it's wings and soar amongst the clouds
It holds dreams no other can see
A visionary locked up so it doesn't fly away
Once a tiny delicate egg, it was taken and born into this cage as a hatch ling
These barren see through walls is all it's ever known
Neither owners nor visitors stop for companionship
To reflect on the gentle creature before it's eyes
It is forgotten and wanting to be free
It coos as dawn breaks outside the window
Perched on a limb of the cage
This bird sings a lonely song
Wishing to fly

Cynics aren't always true believers

We are never too young to be cynics
We are never wrong when we uphold our feelings
After we've burned once all that's left is scar tissue
Dead tissue, dead feelings and possibly a hardened heart
Each story different, our ears were meant for listening
we are all empathetic but we never take pity
angst, a sharp tongue and quick wit
we are the first to judge
we disagree with your silly antics
it seems as an outrage, stirring up controversy
we will take you down to prove our point
It's just an opinion that everyone is able to be loved
we laugh in mockery, love is for the foolish
and we are not one for the taking
you said we are to young to be cynics
but as a cynic i disagree

Dreaming past realism

I am a dreamer
and I see a future with hope.

as if I were a fortune teller with a crystal ball at hand

Eyes focused, peering intently on a day dream.
Reality comes bouncing in with a questioning thought
"Will this ever be certain?"
I will never be sure.
Reality and dreams are always fighting a constant battle
Causing an ache in my heart
I guess this is the price i pay
When my head is in the clouds,
and my feet are barely touching the ground

Miles away from reason
I rest my head, falling back into a dream with out slumber,
as if I were never awake.
It seems as if eternity lies forever in one simple thought.